death and taxes

YES!!!!
i finally did it!
I received my first hit outside the states (it's up to you decide whether i'm talking secret assassin stuff or people who read this-either way it's way cool!)

Today is the day. Today is the day that I go into the dentist's office for the first time since being home from Russia. yikes. I didn't use to hate the dentist's office-actually as a kid I was pretty indifferent and after a few cavities, years with braces, i could just pretty much lay and there and sweat any procedure out and that's not why I hate it. I hate it cause more often than not I find out something is wrong and they have to do something which is very expensive and it seems to have been my luck that this always happens when I am not insured for whatever dumb reason. I remember back in the day when we'd just pay a co-sign of 20-odd bucks and it was done....simpler times....sigh

oh my gosh i'm actually talking about insurance on this thing?! I am SO sorry, sheesh that must have been painful for you-on better news, i've added some of my favorite classical pieces to my playlist so check them out and be cultured 8)
um...so i finished the count of monte cristo yesterday and it's the first time that I can't decide which i like more-the movie or the book. It's just weird cause normally the book is better hands down but this one i'm not so sure...it doesnt' help that i had already seen the movie so i was expecting a certain ending and when i didn't get it i was a lil dissapointed and the movie, for obvious reasons, was way more actiony which is understandable, but the book was still really good and i encourage all to read it and watch the movie too! Oh man, but the moment when the count leaves his lil balloon at the party that introduces him to society and he walks down the stairs in his long coat/jacket and it's slow motion and the wind makes the coat sweep behind him etc and he just has that lil smile and says greetings-what a great moment!!! man...I will ALWAYS love guys in those long period coats/don't know what it is about them but I love it.

well now that i've bored you with insurance stories and made all the guys queezy i think i'll call it an entry.

o yea! and happy 23rd to my best bud HEATHER!!!!
o yea, and i had a crazy dream that we were in canada because we didnt' want to pay to go all the way to scotland-which was apparently bordering canada so it was like a mini day trip to see what our trip in the fall would be like and i was trying to find my documents/passport or something and my dad kept saying it didn't matter that we'd worry about it later and i was getting really frustrated cause he wouldn't help me or think it was important and then mom randomly got sort of attacked by this way weird animal that almost looked like a boar-but we were in the car and it got up on the hood and i tried to turn on the windshield wipers to knock it off.
so ya know, typical dream. (i just realized that i made that all one sentence-yea for run-ons!)

Perceptions and Hope

Perceptions are really useful in giving you the motivation to step it up. There's nothing like hearing a close friend's perception of yourself and seeing how close or far away they are from the truth. It's always a humbling but good experience cause you realize that you need to step it up and live up to those perceptions, that you could be like how they see you. And if people have false, low perceptions of you-still works, it can give you the motivation to prove them wrong etc.

I just realized that in certain areas of my life I had less hope than in others. For some reason it was a lot easier to be hopeful on the mission which is ironic because statistically I didn't have much reason to be, but it's just a matter of being conscious of it and making a decision. Hope is something that has become more and more interesting to me...at first it seems (especially from a secular point of view) like such a fluffy last resort-no supstance, just something you have to do when there's nothing left to do, when really it will make everything work out so much easier when it's had from the beginning. But really, Hope is the ultimate test-i mean it's linked pretty closely with faith but it's really such an act of trust in something greater despite what outward circumstances are suggesting. The irony, if you can call it that, is that not only does it secure future blessings by having it-which is what you're hoping for in the first place, it makes the present more enjoyable as well...it just makes everthing better, if you have the eyes to see it like that. Obviously not everyone has the eyes to see the realities of hope...
is this making any sense? "no, but that's pretty normal after a head trauma."

stormy/emo serenades

rain rain please don't go
let it pour and let it blow

rain rain come and stay
wash all of the pain away

mmmm.....dog breath squares

There are these lemon squares that always seem to be at our different mormon activities and...I can't remember who pointed it out to me but...they totally smell like dog...kinda like wet dog.....(shudder) and as if the smell wasn't enough to repel you, the first few seconds of each bite taste like the smell of dog-don't ask me how, they just do...and then the lemony taste comes in and you think...maybe it was just in my head....this isn't too bad, and then you take that second bite and instantly regret your decision. I just don't get it. Why do people make them and why do they think they're good? maybe they can't smell it....or maybe I just have hyper sensitive sense of smell....like a.....dog....how ironic.
So I'm going to town with the elipses.....don't they just infuse what I'm saying with meaning and make it seem deeper, like there's more under the surface? LIke for example:
yaknow, sometimes I wonder... (see at this point you're like: what? what are you wondering??? when actually that was my sentence and i just got lazy and held the period down too long, but you totally thought it was going to be some thought provoking statement (ok, maybe not if you're a regular reader here, haha)

anywho, yea for random tangents...
ok, seriously i'm going to go off of the elipses for awhile, it's not finite enough for me at the moment.

I love my friends. They really are great and help me realize that I'm not alone-even if most of them are married ;)

So the quote of the day goes to Marlie: " I think you and I should prepare thank you cards, so when we finally do meet the right guy we can personally express our gratitude to all the wrong ones for passing up what would have been for them a great catch."

So I found this song by Kelly Clarkson entitled "Maybe" and I love it- I love the words, and I love the music it's not your conventional sound but I love it,it just keeps growing and growing on me. And it's funny cause normally I always connect songs with different people/situations in my life, but this song i'm not actually linking it with anyone i know. It's like....a song for the guy that I haven't found yet, the idea of someone i guess? I don't know, but I like it. DANG IT! I totally used an elipses up there, ok I'm sorry-you really don't need to go through the pauses I take to think i'm working on it 8) I had no idea that I'm such an elipses junkie

"Maybe" (#56 on my Play list below)

I'm strong
But I break
I'm stubborn
And I make plenty of mistakes
Yeah I'm hard
And life with me is never easy
To figure out, to love
I'm jaded but oh so lovely
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

Someday
When we're at the same place
When we're on the same road
When it's okay to hold my hand
Without feeling lost
Without all the excuses
When it's just because you love me, you let me, you need me
Then maybe, maybe
All you have to do is hold me
And you'll know and you'll see just how sweet it can be
If you'll trust me, love me, let me
Maybe, maybe

I'm confusing as hell
I'm north and south
And I'll probably never have it all figured out
But what I know is I wasn't meant to walk this world without you
And I promise I'll try
Yeah I'm gonna try to give you every little part of me
Every single detail you missed with your eyes
Then maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

I don't want to be tough
And I don't want to be proud
I don't need to be fixed and I certainly don't need to be found
I'm not lost
I need to be loved
I just need to be loved
I just want to be loved by you and I won't stop 'cause I believe
That maybe, yeah maybe
Maybe, yeah maybe

my dog is on facebook (of sorts)

As I was walking my dog today I realized that dogs totally had facebook figured out before us. I mean, do you honestly think that dogs are all excited to go for a walk for the excercise? please, they're totally excited to check all of their different posts/comments etc. Every lil tree/bush-there's a message. They're just excited to check and see what's the neighborhood buzz, who's chased a squirrel, who got steak for dinner, and most importantly how the cute lil poodle down the street is doing. I was realizing all of this as I was impatiently waiting for copper to stop at every lil thing and sniffing and I thought: I prolly wouldn't like it if somebody was bugging me and rushing me if I was trying to answer someone on facebook or write in here so I at least stopped pulling on his leash. My dog is a slow reader of his messages-honestly how long do you have to sniff it-read faster! but he's a fast writer so I guess it balances out. I wondered what you would call their network, but if it were similar concept to facebook-it prolly wouldn't have a very cute name...just random thoughts-it was a beautiful day not hot not cold. I watched meet joe black for the first time-one of my 5$ movies and really liked it 8) Brad Pitt was great in it, such funny timing/expressions etc. and I totally called the soundtrack-it was so obviously Thomas Newman all his stuff sounds similar-all gorgeous but just not varied: horse whisperer, nemo, meet joe black-very similar.

I got my contracts for my apartment in the fall and looking at the total i'd be paying for the two semesters made me gulp-i know it's reasonable, i just don't like looking at the big total sum-i'd rather pay as I go and not think of how much I was draining out of my account in the end.

things making me smile...

"I'm yours" by Jason Mraz
5$ movies at walmart
lost
impromptu camping trips
the scenery out my window driving home from work
copper (my dog)
the count of monte cristo (seriously, if you haven't read it, READ IT!)
movies coming out in may
my calling
small moments of enlightenment
talking about good books and byu at panera bread.
finishing my work-out without any short cuts
my schedule for the fall
taking two steps forward and one step back
balderdash
choosing a book over the tube

kicks and giggles

Yesterday was a good day. After sacrament I went with brother Sudholt to speak in the memorial ward that he was speaking at as high counselor. We talked about the atonement which is hard until you decide which aspect of it you want to focus on-I chose hope, having hope in and from the atonement. (Moroni 7:41 is such a cool verse) and related a story about a girl "Ksooshuh" that we taught in rostov who ran away before our next meeting and selling herself on the streets etc-apparently not the first time. As i sat there with her mom and her mom looked me in the eye and told me that she had no more hope for her daughter, that she was done, her daughter would never change, I felt very strongly that she was wrong-it was the strangest thing, and yet I felt so confident about it and still do. She took the book of mormon with her and after our first meeting apparently she talked with her mom and was so intrigued by us and how we were "good" girls and happy etc. I dunno, I just know that at some point she'll open that book or find the church again or both and I can have hope in that because of the atonement; it doesn't matter how far we've strayed, we can always turn back, it just may take a while.

last night the shaerer's (sp?)came over for game night and we played Balderdash- oh man it was ridiculous! Every time without fail I am moved to tears a couple of times it's just so hilarious (i'm talking about the new one with movie synopsis, definitions, acronyms, laws, and...famous people-they give a name and you come up with why they're famous. Honestly it's prolly one of the funniest games i've played-of course it's all about who you play with and i don't mean to brag-who am I kidding, of course I do! my family is pretty much hilarious when it comes to this game. I just can't wait when we'll all get together again with Eric (who is the king of movie synopsi (is that plural?) and Mike and Jess, oh man....the highlight of the night: I.C.C.S. (Inbred Cross-eyed Coon Shooters). or steve's movie about ray charles waiting for new surgical eye procedures to be testable on humans-man that one killed me, mainly cause that's all it said, just that he was waiting for something-sounds like a thriller.

ok, I want opinions. who is better Jack Bauer or Chuck Norris? (obviously you know what I think but I'm curious to see how far the insanity has spread)