In the arms of the angel...may you find some comfort here

sheesh I can't even remember when I last wrote or what I wrote about. I'd say this semester has been pretty good so far if I'm only really getting stressed now. it's all cause I have two classes that have a major project or paper due in the next month and it's basically the whole class so it's gotta be good-nevermind all the reading and prep i've done for classes-in the end it won't reflect my grade really. At least it's been interesting and I've learned a few things.

I've been thinking lately about how I deal with emotions. Ya know how some people cry when they're sad? Well that's all nice and good but I wish that were the only time I cried. Basically whenever I am feeling an intense/strong emotion my reaction is to cry. So...if I get really mad/frustrated-tears. They're not boo-hoo tears mind you but they stream all the same. If I feel really guilty/bad about something-the sprinklers turn on. If I'm really stressed-I'm walking the line all the time just waiting for something to set me off and the water works to come. Now I know it sounds like I must be some kind of crazy cry baby-loosing it over hallmark commercials, but that's just it-I'm not!

I have a hate/love relationship with crying. I like it cause it's a release and I feel better afterwards, but I for some reason HATE letting people see me cry-I feel so stupid, self-conscious and irrational or over emotional. So it only compounds whatever emotion I'm feeling cause if I'm say stressed and the tears are fighting to come, but I'm constantly fighting them back-it makes me want to cry more, and it's really draining after awhile and really I need the comfort of someone but am denying myself that comfort by just shrugging off my emotional need for support and plastering a smile on my face. This is something I want to change about myself...I don't want to be emotionally distant. I mean, obviously there are times when you need to stay positive and not fall to pieces every time you feel something other than happy, but I think these lil emotional over flows would be less frequent if I actually acknowledged emotional needs whenever they come up. Not that i'll run blubbering to just anybody, but I have my safety net and I should use it if I need to.

Having said all of that, the past few days have been kind of an emotional roller coaster and this week is a stressful one (test, quiz,mini paper, and a prospectus), heck the whole month is. I'm just feeling a little drained and there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day. But hey, a restful sleep can make everything seem not so bad right? Off to try that...